Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
john wicks are toilet candles
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.