I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!