Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
crochet youtube is brutal
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
These work great until they don’t.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*