call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
idk what he going thru but i feel him