To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
new shirt idea
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear