Close call…
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
handsome & gretel
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.