I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Batman v Dracula
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?