The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
back to work
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.