Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Can. I. Help. You.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*