[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
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Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
They did not think through this water fountain
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar