“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me too door. Me too.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.