I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
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The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
my retirement plan is braless
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him