I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..