Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.