The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
No, I don’t think I will.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.