I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time