It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.