breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Science memes
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE