I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints