She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
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Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.