My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.