ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
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I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately