[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
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I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.