Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
You Might Also Like
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Writing, She Murdered.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?