me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.