me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
we’re dead?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Lmfao
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.