When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
also my go-to takeaway order
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone