I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
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What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once