Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
See..?
.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.