ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I feel seen
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.