you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat