[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
You Might Also Like
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
mood
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.