Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
My teenage children choosing violence
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Ken is short for chicken
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.