embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Netflix: We have Less
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*