[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm