Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
You Might Also Like
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons