who wants to go expliring
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Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!