I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.