I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
no cat here
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.