A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
One of the best
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.