I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.