Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Personal question. #JustSaying
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back