can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
He’s cranky this morning
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭