My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The pen is writier than the sword.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Not today.. 😂
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those