*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.