Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
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A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me irl
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why