My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
This meeting could have been a cake
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.