The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
You Might Also Like
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.