You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”