Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.